I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
