I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Randomize
