I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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