So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
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we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
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I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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