Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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