sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
