his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
COCAINE IS GR8
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
