I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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