and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
