I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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