So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
