Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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