Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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