You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
