I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
