i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just want to make out with him forever
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
