I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
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just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
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Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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