I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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