you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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