But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
