i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
