the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
