i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
