Just mADE A PArabola og urine
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
