i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
