In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
