two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
