It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
