sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.