Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
