dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
So apparently I’m into choking now
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