i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
