I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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