If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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