I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
