What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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