Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
