if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
