Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
