margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
