i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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