I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
