i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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