I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
