when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
