Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
