Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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