highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
