When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
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