Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
