DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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