the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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