I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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