If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
