Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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