Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
